Pretended hah

I can't stop thinking about my problems. It's funny enough for me as I've been through these but this type it isn't same as last few times. What happen? I'm secretly dying.
Stuck of it. I hate being ignored. I hate being pissed off. I hate being left alone. I hate being chose as a second option. I want to be the one who can attract everyone's attention. I want to be the one who being loved. I want to be the one who everyone like to be with. I want to be the first option of everyone.
I probably want to be the apple of everyone's eyes.
But with every hopes and wishes I want, I always failed. What bearing in my mind is, am I the one who trashy? No one likes me. They hate my attitude. They hate being around with me. They always take me as a choice. I just exist when they need me.
Trash in their eyes! 
The facts of my life.
-Being a pissed off little girl.
-Not brave enough to move on.
-Doesn't tell out all my problems to anyone.
-Doesn't give up.
-Too dumb and always stuck.
-Too emotion.
-Unlike others. (I'm weird)
-Always on fire.
I love to smile. Mummy says I'm prettier when I smile. But Mummy do you know, I'm feeling to die whenever facing problems. I thought I'm alone. But family. I smile in front if them oftenly. Just to let them feel that I'm happy. But nobody realize I'm here crying like hell. Nobody ever try to know me. Or maybe I'm worthless and trashy? I don't know. I don't dare to think about it. I'm afraid of being hurt. Tired of crying.
Hope to get lose for a period of forever.
NYJ with lots of emotion.