Few hours more

My birthday is going to be on tomorrow
I still think that I shouldn't go to school as an expectation can lead disappointments
Me and nat baobei are drifting apart, mentioned here
I can't stop thinking the reasons, why
Or maybe she has her new classmate and so on
Can't describe how jealous I am when I meet up with them
But blabla I can't tell her always

Throw back to those days we have been sitting together
Keep on thinking when we both knocked each other's head

Yesterday morning, I went to her class
I caught her studying
Then I knew that I shouldn't play with her these days
I shouldn't disturb her studies

What scares me is she doesn't make me a sense at all
I was so damned
But what can I change these all by myself

Can't sleep well
Can't study well
Can't pay fully attention when teachers are talking
Can't get through these all by myself is the thing that I am most afraid of

Tomorrow is gonna be my 15th's birthday
Not hoping for anything
Just to make sure everyone I love is in good health and happy always
Nat needs to be happy

Thanks god, Yu Jie

Thanks

Where are they when I need them
Why am I being so sad when they are not around
Why is it when I'm used to have some of you by when my side then we are starting to drift apart
Who the hell gives me a shit when I'm caring

I never want this type of life but I have no choice

I'm nyj

Fear

I'm so scared of, afraid of losing you my baobei NatNat. Aww. You made my days.

Sometimes I'm truly fed up as you don't show me your feelings. You hide all your feelings, is it only hide when I'm there?

I don't want you to hide anything. I want to know everything. *kepo* Haha. I truly care about you and I don't know why.

I love you my baobei Nat! No one can replace you.

My Love

I had a babysitter since I was born. I called her Ah An in mandarin. If she was not with my family, I wouldn't blogging at here as I was dead. She asked my mum not to kill me and she was the one who save my life. Since I was a baby, she looked after me. She didn't born me out but she grew me up. She was like my second mother. SHE IS MY MOTHER! Everyday, she fetched me up and down to school and back from school. She bought me toys. I still remember when I was young I couldn't have McDonald as meal because my mum was strict but she bought me. With her motorbike, she traveled everywhere, brought me along everywhere. She just got the pay from my mum and she didn't work for other job at all. However, she bought me everything I want such as colour pencil, Barbie doll, small cutie bag and many more. She bought me healthy food and fruit juice with her own money. She never say much like lack of money or what. She used to love me more than I know. She told me not to eat in room.(Because tv was in the bedroom and I used to watch and enjoy food so she fed me out of the room.) She told me to brush my tongue while brushing teeth. She taught me how to wash dishes and cups properly. She taught me to keep things after using. I still remember when I was 4 years old, on the way to my kindergarten, we met an accident. We were in the motorcycle but then the car hit on us. We were distanced. She climbed across the road, she asked me whether I'm pain or what. She consoled me. She made me feel safe. Then we went to clinic, I was so scared. I was afraid of taking injection from doctor. She made me brave. Even when she was painful, but she gave me to get a checkup from doctor first then only her turn. After few months, she went to a checkup in KL's hospital. She got a breast cancer. I was so shocked. She had to get treatment. She couldn't look after me for about one year. I was 6, everything was going right. Sometimes, I even stayed for few nights in her house. Her house was my heaven as when I went back to my house I was stressed by my parents. I even cried when my mum came and fetched me back. I never want to leave her. Until I was 7, everything had change. She had her own life. Her sons and daughter were working and so without me she was alone. I went to primary school. She didn't fetch me up and down anymore. We didn't meet with each other everyday anymore. No more. So when she was free, she came to my house for few hours then she left. So me too, 2-3hours then left. I wanted to stay, but my mum didn't willing. So I couldn't do anything. Until the ending of last year, she got stroke. She couldn't move well. Someone was needed to help her to do anything. I WASN'T THERE WHEN SHE WAS HELPLESS. I WASN'T THERE. I DIDN'T TAKE ANY ACTION TO HELP HER EVEN COMFORT I DIDN'T. SHE FACED EVERYTHING ALONE. Sometimes when my family and I were free, we visited her. I TOLD HER, when you're recover, we travel to somewhere else together. I TOLD HER THIS. I saw that she's suffering in pain. But I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take care of her so much. But I was not able. It took a long time to have free time to visit her. She was with her eldest son everyday. I was not there. SHE TOLD ME, she waited me to visit her everyday, I made her cry everyday, I made her disappointed everyday. I'm useless. Day by day. Last 2 days, it's 22/9/2013 it's a bad Sunday. She was gone. SHE GAVE UP WAITING ME? SHE DIDN'T WANT ME ANYMORE? THESE ARE ALL I'M THINKING. I never think that she's aged, I need to visit her often. Just attend to her funeral, I saw her. She's in a coffin. I can't even touch her. I can't even hug her. I can't even talk to her. I can't even tell her I miss her I love her. I'm so mad that I never appreciate her all the time. She looked after me. She took best care of me. She should deserve a longer aged and let me love isn't she? This is the last time to see her. Her wrinkly face. Her hair. Her eyebrows. Her closing eyes. Her nose. Her ears. Her mouth.

It's a cycle. There's always a start and an ending. Here's my love's ending.

My love, do you hear me? Move on, don't look back. You won't be painful anymore. You're a blessing in my life, ALWAYS. Your ahj here is missing you. She's regret. She'll always be with you. You must be happy in your future. Ahj'll meet you in her next life. Promise ahj, take care. Ahj loves you, ALWAYS. Ahj'll be a good girl. YOU MUST LIVE HAPPIER THAN ALL OF US!

Lesson learned. Appreciate everything when you're still in a present.

My love, you'll always in my heart till the end of my life.

Ahj 24/9/2013

Let down

I have been let down for times. Just like uncountable. Nothing changes if I speak out my soul. So I rather than keep everything up and lock them in my brain and heart. No one knows. I really hope to get someone who is afraid of losing me. Daddy Mummy? Or who else. Thinking in my brain every day, what's going to happen if I die? What's going to happen if I lost? What's going to happen if I gone? Is there someone who really cares about me. Easy words lack of love.

I want to be loved.

Nyj

I'm lost

Oh here me Ng Yu Jie ha ha I'm crying right now not much to guess I'm tired I'm so so tired and don't know what to do holding a cutter and thinking to suicide but I don't dare to I'm scare what if I can't die successfully what if what if what if lots of thoughts I hope I'm fine I wish I can be more stronger I've been through so much why don't everything just goes by good flow I don't know.
Good night. YJ

Fail charging

A phone consists of battery.
When battery is out of energy, we need to charge.

Now I'm not going to charge. Just let the phone be. And I know now the phone is useless.

Haha bye bye.

Goodnight YuJie sleep well.